Pain Is Part of Living, but Suffering Doesn't Have to Be: A Mental-Health Guide for Chinese Americans
When many Chinese Americans feel distressed, their first instinct is to endure it and push through. "Just think positive." "Be strong." "Don't shame the family." We have all heard these lines. Distress gets treated as a character flaw, a failure of willpower, even a family disgrace, so the worse we feel, the less we say, and the less we say, the worse we feel.
In fact, mental health works like physical health: it can be understood, learned and practiced. In the United States, psychology, neuroscience and psychiatry have been studied for over a century, and there is a body of tested methods behind them. Seeing a mental-health professional is as normal as seeing a dentist or a doctor for a cold.
This feature explains a few of the most practical ideas: the difference between pain and suffering, the three states of mind, and coping skills you can practice in daily life.
1. Pain and suffering are not the same thing
As long as we are alive, we will hurt. Job loss, illness, the death of a loved one, a difficult child, immigration and money pressures: that pain comes with life itself, and no one escapes it.
Suffering is often a second layer: after the pain arrives, we add resistance, rumination and self-blame.
Pain says: "I lost my job, and I am sad."
Suffering says: "I lost my job, my life is over, I am useless, I can't face anyone."
Pain is a signal. Suffering is what happens when the signal is amplified and stays stuck in the body for a long time. Pain cannot always be removed, but the suffering part can be loosened. Making this distinction is not about denying pain; it is about knowing that beyond the pain itself, there is a part we can learn to set down.
2. Three states of mind: reasonable mind, emotion mind, wise mind
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, offers a useful idea: when we make decisions, we are usually in one of three states of mind.
Reasonable mind: facts and logic only. "How much are the bills this month, and what is the next step?" It is calm, but sometimes so cold that it cannot hear our own feelings.
Emotion mind: run by feelings. "I'm finished, no one can help me." In emotion mind, facts get recolored by emotion, and something small can feel like the sky falling.
Wise mind: the meeting of the two. It sees the facts and hears the feelings, then makes a decision we will not regret. Wise mind is often not loud; it is a quiet sense of "this is the right thing to do."
None of the three is good or bad; all are useful. Problems come from using only one. Reasonable mind alone turns us into machines; emotion mind alone pushes us into rash acts. The goal of practice is, when emotion surges, to not rush to a conclusion, and to leave wise mind a little room to appear.
How to practice? A few small methods:
Pause. When you feel about to explode, stop for 30 seconds. Take a sip of water, breathe deeply a few times, do not reply or decide right away.
Write facts and thoughts separately. On the left, the facts (what happened); on the right, the thoughts in your head (what you fear). You will find that a thought is not a fact.
Ask your body. A tight chest, a churning stomach, stiff shoulders: the body often knows before the mind that you are in emotion mind. Noticing the body is the beginning of coming back to the present.
Sleep on it. Many decisions made in emotion mind look regrettable the next day. If a decision can wait, let it wait.
People who have taken such courses often say their minds grew clearer afterward. Not because their troubles vanished, but because they gained a place from which to watch emotions without being fully taken over by them.
3. A coping skills toolbox: what to do when emotions surge
Coping skills are not grand theories; they are small actions you can practice. They fall into three groups.
First, first aid for a surge of emotion.
STOP: Stop, Take a step back, Observe, then Proceed. Stop first, act second.
Cool the body down: splash cold water on your face, hold an ice cube, or dip your face in cold water for a few seconds. As the body cools, the heart rate slows too.
Move: take a brisk walk, climb stairs, do a few squats. Spend the energy in your body, and the emotion pushes less.
Breathe slowly: inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6, for several rounds. A longer exhale tells the body it is safe.
Soothe with the five senses: touch something soft, smell a familiar scent, listen to a favorite song, eat something warm. Use the senses to pull yourself back to the present.
Second, steadying emotions day to day.
Name the emotion. "Right now I am anxious." "Right now I feel wronged." Saying it out loud takes away some of its power.
Do the opposite action. Anxiety wants you to hide; take one small step instead: make just one phone call, go out for just ten minutes. You do not have to defeat it, only refuse to be fully pinned down by it.
Keep the body's basics in order: sleep, food, exercise, less alcohol. When the body breaks down, emotions are the first to spin out of control.
Keep one person you can talk to. Not every day, but someone you can open up to when things get hard. Isolation is suffering's best friend.
Third, loosen noisy thoughts.
When a thought arrives, you do not have to argue it to a verdict. You can tell yourself: "There is a voice in my head saying I'm no good. That is a thought, not necessarily a fact."
Neither chase nor suppress. Thoughts are like clouds: let them come and go while you keep doing what is in front of you.
Write for ten minutes a day. What was hardest today? What are the facts? What did I do that helped a little? Once it is on paper, the mind does not have to keep circling the same thing.
4. When to seek professional help
Self-help has limits. The following are signs it is time to talk to a professional:
Low mood or anxiety lasting more than two weeks and affecting sleep, work or family relationships;
Recurring thoughts of harming yourself;
Needing alcohol or drugs in order to sleep or leave the house;
Major life events, such as job loss, divorce, bereavement or a status crisis, weighing on you beyond what you can carry alone.
In the United States, common paths to help include: telling your family doctor and asking for a referral; searching platforms such as Psychology Today by language to find a Mandarin-speaking therapist; and asking community clinics, university counseling centers, churches and community organizations about referrals. A first session carries no obligation; treat it as getting information, and you can switch if it is not a fit.
If you or someone near you is in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day), or text 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
Closing: learning psychology gives you one more choice
Mental-health problems are not a matter of "not thinking straight," and psychological skills are not inborn. Everyone has a reasonable mind, an emotion mind and a wise mind; everyone can learn to tell pain from suffering. With practice, the mind grows clearer, not because life got easier, but because you have a set of tools and no longer have only endurance to rely on.
May this feature help more Chinese readers know: speaking up when you are struggling is not shameful, and learning a little psychology gives you, and your family, one more choice.
This article is mental-health education and does not constitute diagnosis or treatment advice. If distress persists or you are in crisis, please seek professional help promptly.
Related: Ohio's 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Reaches One Million Contacts Across All 88 Counties
Related: Nevada Seeks $2.3 Million in Federal Funds to Expand 988 Crisis Response Capacity
Source: GSM · USA (original Chinese edition)
Photo: 图：黄昏时分天际线与教堂尖塔剪影。Eleneru 摄，CC BY-SA 4.0，经 Wikimedia Commons。 / A skyline and church spire silhouetted at dusk. Photo by Eleneru, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
